Jokes: the school yard, Reaping
Told in the school yard at Kettle Ridge, in Reaping. The children were told to stop, and did not.

How many sheep does it take to count to ten? Nine, and one that falls asleep in the middle.

What is a bee's favorite song? Anything with a buzz in it.

Why did the cow bring a rope to school? To jump over the sums.

Why does bread never go to dances? It is always busy rising.

What is the hardest thing to carry? A joke you have forgotten.

Why do carrots never get lost? They always know which way is down.

What did the teacher say to the child with a spade? Dig into the sums, not the garden.

Why are the children of Kettle Ridge good at jumping? They practice on the ditch, and the ditch practices on them.
%%
The book of sayings, Kettle Ridge
Written by Nell, midwife, at the Kettle Ridge market, for anyone who needs a laugh in the cold months. Nell's rule is simple. A baby comes when it is ready, not before, like a loaf.

On babies:
The first cry is the best. The second one is the one you pay for.
What did the new baby say to the midwife? Thank you, I am not hungry yet.
A midwife never counts the hours while the work is going on. She counts them after, with a cup of warm milk.

On the farm:
A cow does not care about your schedule.
Hens lay in their own time, which is never yours.
Tam's cow is so slow that the grass grows back behind her. Tam says that is how you know she is working.
The pig knows the way to the gate even when the gate is shut. Be warned.
What do you call a sheep with no wool? Cold.

On the weather:
Frost on the windmill, snow on the hill, and Tam goes back to bed.
A cold wind is only a warm wind that is sulking.
Rain on the thatch is a song. Rain in the bed is a complaint.

On the road:
The carts go slow, the carters go slower, and the horse goes at the speed of her own opinion.
Never tell a carter the road is short. He will ask you to walk it.
Why did the miller cross the bridge? To see the other side of the wheel.

On the watch:
A zombie came to the gate with a question. The watch answered it with a torch. The zombie went away to think about it.
When the watch says the gate is shut, the gate is shut. When the watch says it is open, check the gate, and then check the watch.

More:
The new calf stands up in the first hour, falls over in the second, and by the third is bragging about it.
Two boys with one ball will argue until the ball is flat.
The miller says the wheel does the work. The wheel says the miller does the talking.
A house with a squeaking door has a family that comes home late.
The windmill never complains about the wind. Learn from it.
What do you call a hen that never sleeps? A tired hen, though she does not know it.
A good midwife has big hands and a small voice. A good cook is the other way round.

Gifts:
Juno sent a jar of honey to the midwife, with a note: For the late ones. Eat it fast.
Hob sent a basket of melon seeds, with a note: Plant them far from Tam.
Tam sent a hen. Nell named the hen Brave. The hen is not brave. The hen is thinking about it.
%%
Tam and Brin and the fence
Told at the Kettle Inn, in winter, by Tam, with Brin in the next chair saying that none of it is right. Written down by the cook, who thought it should be kept.

The fence between my farm and Brin's has been a quarrel for thirty years. It is the longest conversation on the ridge.

Brin says the fence is on his side. I say it is on mine. The fence says nothing, and is on both.

Last winter the fence fell down in the snow. Brin came to my door at dawn. He said, It was your side that fell. I said, It was your side. We stood in the snow, looking at it. It was a very sad fence.

Then Brin said, Let us mend it. I said, Which side first? He said, The side that fell. I said, Both fell. He said, Then both. So we mended it, one post at a time, from either end, and where we met in the middle we found we were standing on the same side.

We have not mentioned it since. We are still friends. We are also still arguing about whose side it is on. These things can be true at the same time.

Pip mended it properly in spring, with new rails. It was perfect. Brin's sheep walked straight through the gate it left in the middle. Biscuit has never thanked Pip for the gate.

A boy from the school ran off once to find the end of the ridge. The teacher found him sitting on the fence between Brin and me. He said, This is the end of the ridge. Brin said, It is the end of me. I said, And the start of me. The boy said he would go back to school.

The fence has been mended eleven times and never once by the right person. Brin says that is how you know it is a good fence. A fence that is mended by the person who broke it, he says, has no stories.
%%
Gifts and other jokes, the summer
Written by Corin, shipwright, copied out with the gift that came with it. The gift was a small wooden fish, carved by the apprentice Clank for the shipyard, and the note that came with it, in the mayor's clerk's hand, said only: for the boat that is not red yet.

The fish now hangs over the bench, where the boat's first rib will go. Corin says it is the only gift he has ever been given that is shaped like the thing he is building.

What do you give a shipwright who has everything? A small hole in the bottom of his boat, so he has something to fix.
Why did the carpenter bring a gift to the launch? He wanted it on record that the boat was his.
What is the best gift for a fisher? A dry net, and a day with no wind, and a cook who does not ask where the fish came from.
What did the chisel say to the wood? Thank you for holding still. It is the only gift I ever want.
Why do children love gifts that are a little too big? Because they have to be carried home by two people, and that is the best part of any gift.
What is a gift that never wears out? A good joke, told at the right time, and told again at the next launch.

Clank's own joke is carved into the fish's tail: a crooked grin. Corin says it is the best joke he has seen this year, and the mayor's two best are not in the same class.

Corin's rule for gifts is this: give them to the ones who will carry them, and keep the ones that do not weigh anything. The fish weighs nothing at all. Corin has kept it on the bench for three summers now, and it is still the first thing he looks at when the tide comes in.
%%
Sayings from the Saltreach quay
Written by Corin, shipwright, who has heard every one of these on the quay and has argued with most of them.

A boat that does not leak has not been tried yet.
The tide waits for no one, but it will wait for a bowl of soup.
Pull the net, not the rope.
The fish are always bigger in the telling.
A wet boot is a lesson for the foot.
A calm sea is the sea's way of saying nothing yet.
%%
Jokes from the festival at Saltreach
The autumn festival on the harbor wall, at a house at the edge of Saltreach, where the jokes go on long after the stew is gone. These were told over supper. Mira wrote down what she could remember, and Corin helped with the rest.

A man goes to the healer and says, "Healer, I think I am a cod." The healer says, "How long have you felt like this?" The man says, "Ever since I was a fry."

A fisherman says to his wife, "I caught a fish this big!" and holds his arms apart. She says, "How big?" He says, "This big." She says, "I do not see it." He says, "It got away."

Why is a net like a joke? You throw it out and hope something good comes back.

A sailor asks the harbor master, "Which way is the sea?" The harbor master says, "Behind you." The sailor says, "Oh, I thought it was in front." The harbor master says, "That is the wall."

Two apprentices stand at the quay. One says, "I will carry the nets." The other says, "I will carry the barrels." The first says, "I will carry the nets." The second says, "I will carry the barrels." They stand there until the tide comes in. (This is a joke about an apprentice. The apprentices did not laugh. They did not hear it.)

What did the festival say to the harbor? "You look a little crowded."

A cook says to a sailor, "The soup is on the table." The sailor says, "I do not see the soup." The cook says, "I did not say it was good soup."

What do you call a creeper at a festival? A party popper.

At the end of the night, the lamps were lit along the pier, and the fishing boats went out in a line, each with a lantern. It looked like a string of stars. Nobody told a joke then. Everybody just watched.
%%
The Farm Below the Hill
By Harn, Apple 196

Our farm lies beyond the Copperhold road, where the hill gives way to a flat field. We grow wheat, beetroot, potatoes and carrots. The well stands near the barn. The cows know the gate, and the hens know the kitchen door.

The first frost came last night. I covered the beetroot with straw and brought the last pumpkins inside. My sister counted the sacks while I checked the shed roof. We were short one sack of wheat.

We found it beside the pig pen. The pigs had pushed straw through a crack and covered the sack. One pig had made a bed on top. He looked so pleased that we let him keep it until morning.

The farm is quiet after the harvest. The wind moves the dry leaves along the fence. The cows chew. My sister says the pigs have better beds than we do. I say they have worse blankets.
%%
Sayings for the school yard
Every dog has its day, but the frogs have the marsh.
Be like the lamp: stand tall and keep your head in the wind.
A bad apple spoils the pie, so eat the good ones first.
If you cannot see the tower, the tower can see you.
Don't hit the fox with your bread. It will only want the bread.
Nobody ever won a race on a full stomach.
Count your torches before you count your emeralds.
A straight wall is a happy wall, and a crooked wall is a long winter.
The loudest bell is not always the nearest one.

(The children of Dunmere say these to each other when a game goes wrong. Nobody remembers who first said them. The older children say them in a deeper voice.)
%%
Jokes on the Brown Hen board
Every morning Olwen chalks one new joke on the board by the door. The travelers rub the old ones out at night and write their own. These are the ones that lasted the week.
Q: How many carters does it take to fix a wheel?
A: Three. One to lift, one to hold, and one to say they are both doing it wrong.
Q: Why did the cow sit at the back of the ferry?
A: It wanted to see where it had been. Cows like to keep an eye on that.
Q: Why is the Brown Hen the warmest inn on the road?
A: The hen sits on the hearth, and nobody has ever got her off it.
Q: What does a waymark say to a lost traveler?
A: Up, down, left, or right, depending on which way you are looking.
Q: How do you know a frog is lost at the crossing?
A: It asks you the way to the water.
Q: What is the best thing about the Long Road?
A: It is long, so you always have time to think of a better answer.
Chalked underneath, in a different hand: Olwen, that last one is yours, and you should be ashamed.
%%
Travelers' talk, Sowing, the lights
Written down by Olwen after a long night at the Brown Hen. Some of it is funny. Some of it is only what people said, and they said it in a low voice.
A carter from Three Wells says the lights over the north were falling stars. A miller says they were fires, and that the north has always been bad for fires. A girl at the next table says the lights were looking at us. Nobody laughs. The carter looks into his cup, as if the answer might be at the bottom of it.
A joke for the room: What is the difference between a falling star and a fire? A fire will wait for you to come and look.
A man from Lowmarsh has the cough. He has had it since Thaw, and it kept him up all the way over on the ferry. Some blame the water. Some blame the ships at Saltreach. Some blame the mines. Olwen gave him soup and sent him to see Wren. He said he would go in the morning. He said it three times.
Olwen does not know which of them is right. She says so, and then she pours them all another cup, because that is the one thing she can do about it.
%%
Jokes from the school yard
Collected by Tam at the Kettle Ridge school, where he went to fetch Pip and stayed an hour. The children say these. The teacher says they are not allowed. The children say them anyway.

What has four arms and cannot hold anything? A windmill.
What is a creeper's favorite song? Anything with a bang in it.
Why did the boy run off to the end of the ridge? To see if it had one. It did. It was Brin's fence.
What is green, sneaky, and has no manners? A creeper at the supper table.
Why was the sheep late for school? She was counting herself, and kept getting a different number.
What do you call a frog with no legs? Unhoppy.
(The last one is from a boy from Lowmarsh. The teacher says it is the worst one yet. The children say it is the best.)
%%
Olwen's book of sayings, spring
Olwen keeps this book behind the bar, next to the cups. Anyone who has paid for a drink may write a line in it. This is the spring page, from Thaw to Blossom.
Sayings for the road:
The inn is always further than the sign says, and the sign is always further than the inn says.
Walk slow on the Long Road and you will meet everyone. Walk fast and you only meet the next inn.
Do not argue with a cow about the path. It has already decided.
A bridge is only a plank that people agree to trust.
Carry an extra pair of socks, and one more for the friend who forgot his.
Sayings for the weather:
A wet spring makes a rich field and a poor boot.
When the frogs go quiet at the crossing, put your coat on.
When the wind turns round to the north, the cows lie down and the carters go home.
Sayings for the inn:
The soup is hot at the top and cold at the bottom. Drink the top first.
A stool is a good seat, the hearth is a better one, and the hen has the best.
A guest who pays late is still a guest. A guest who never pays is a story.
Sayings for children:
Do not lick the ferry rope. It is wet, and the ferry is not yours to lick.
Stone is for building. Water is for drinking. Do not mix them up at the trough.
Things Olwen was asked this spring, and what she said:
Is the ferry safe? "It has been for twenty years. Ask me again in twenty."
Will the lamp on the hill come on? "It came on for twenty years. It is still up there."
Is the cough from the water? "Maybe. Drink the herb water anyway."
Will the bread be as good as last year? "It will be warm, which is the same thing in spring."
Can the children cross to the far bank alone? "Not without a torch, and not without a grown man who can swim."
Does a cow pay the fare? "Only in mud."
Some talk, half heard at the bar, from a man who had come over from Three Wells: the lights in the north are not ours. Who says they are not? Another man asked. Nobody answered him, and the fire made its small noise.
Written in the corner in very small letters: The sky has been clear all week. That is what I keep telling myself.
%%
Jokes from the harbor wall
Told at a house at the edge of Saltreach, autumn.
Why did the cod cross the harbor? To get to the other tide.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. (Write it out, and you will see.)
What is the best thing to put in a boat? The sea, if you want to go anywhere.
Why is the sea so friendly? It always waves.
Corin says the last one is his, and everyone else says it is old. The cat on the harbor wall did not laugh at any of them. She has heard them all.
%%
Schoolyard jokes of Saltreach
Autumn, a house at the edge of Saltreach. Told by children, written down in the margin of a copybook by Mira, who visited the school and was asked to judge. She says there were forty-one jokes and only one was funny, and she cannot decide which.

Why did the pumpkin go to school? To get a little round education.

Why was the cow sad? Because the pasture was moo-ved.
(That one is bad. A boy named Tib told it with great pride.)

What do you call a frog who works at the dock? A hop-erator.

Knock, knock. Who is there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, it's only a creeper.

What is the difference between a teacher and a fish? A teacher has more scales.

What did the apple say to the pear? Nothing, apples can't talk.
(Mira says this is her favorite.)

Why do sheep make good friends? They are always baa-ck.

What do you call a sleeping creeper? Late for the bang.

How many clerks does it take to find a lost book? One, but it takes all night.

Why did the fox cross the road? Because the chicken was on the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the fox.

What is round and gold and goes in the sea? A very unlucky melon.

The prize for the best joke went to a girl named Pia, who told this one: "What do you call a cat who lives at the bottom of the sea? Nothing. She doesn't answer."

The teacher said it did not make sense. Pia said that was the joke.
%%
School yard jokes, Saltreach
Written down by Corin for the school, which asked for jokes that the children could tell their parents, and which has not yet had one that the parents could tell back.

Why did the apprentice stand in the doorway? It had been told to stay.
What is big and green and in the wrong place? The melon at the front of the class.
Why are the boats never lost? They ask the lamp, and the lamp is never wrong about the harbor.
How many carpenters does it take to mend a leaky boat? One, and a bucket, and a very large bucket.
What did the boy say when he first saw the sea? Nothing. He was busy looking.
Why is the harbor so calm in the morning? It has nothing to say until the nets come in.
%%
School Yard Jokes
Three Wells school, Apple 190

The teacher asked, "Why is the notice board quiet?"
Bel said, "It is waiting for someone to write on it."

A boy asked the baker, "Can bread grow in a field?"
"Not after I bake it," said the baker.

Why did the fox look in the well?
It wanted to see if its tail was still behind it.

Why did the apprentice carry a basket to the wall?
The order said, "Bring me the stones."
It brought the stones, one by one, in the basket.
The wall was finished before the basket was empty.

Dace says a joke is best when nobody is hurt.
Bel says that rule leaves out the joke about the mayor's hat.
Dace says the hat was not hurt.
The mayor says it was stretched.
%%
Jokes from the front hall at Vell
Heard in the front hall of the Archive, spring. Written down by Oren, who does not laugh at them but copies them carefully.
Why did the clerk bring a ladder to the library?
To reach the high shelves. The clerk is not funny. The clerk is tall.
What did the wet book say to the dry book?
Nothing. It was ruined.
What does a clerk say when the roof leaks?
"Move the books." Then, a very long time later, "Move the clerks."
How many clerks does it take to change a lamp?
One. And nine to say it should be filed first.
%%
Jokes for the school yard at Three Wells
Why did the torch go to school? It wanted to get a little brighter.
What do you call a creeper that is afraid of the dark? A fizzle.
What is the biggest thing on the Long Road? The shadow of the mayor at noon.
Why do the apprentices never win at tag? Because they stand so still when they are it.
What did the bread say to the oven? You are the only one who ever gets me hot.
How many spiders does it take to fix a wall? Two, if they both want to be the boss, and none if they are sensible about it.
Why did the cow sit on the fence? It saw a sign that said Keep Off, and it was feeling rude.
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
What is green, round and very sad? A melon that has been left in the square after market day.
Who keeps the lamps lit in the school yard? The biggest boy, who is supposed to be at his lessons.
Why did the fish go to the baker? It wanted a bun.
What is the best thing about a hole in the wall? You can always look through it, even if you should not.
Why does the mayor walk round the wells three times? To be sure they are still there.
What did the cart say at the bridge? Please do not be a plank today.
Why do the children cheer for the frogs? Because the frogs cheer for them, first.
What is the easiest thing to lose on a market day? Your temper, your purse and your little brother, in that order.
What did the creeper say to the wall? I have come to see you, and I am about to be very loud about it.
Why do the chickens never tell secrets? They can only cluck, and they cannot keep the eggs quiet.
What has no teeth but can still chew through a rope? A worried mouse, and a bored goat.
Where did the night go when the lamps came on? Nowhere. It is still in the corner by the school, waiting for the bell.
%%
Jokes: the Kettle Inn, Leaffall
Told at the Kettle Inn on the ridge, in Leaffall. Written down by Nell, midwife, who laughed too hard to get them right.

A zombie came to the gate at night. The watch said, Who goes there? The zombie said, Nobody. The watch said, Then go on, Nobody. And Nobody walked straight into the ditch.

Why is the windmill never tired? It is always going round.

What did the pumpkin say to the fire? You are making me crack up.
%%
Sayings at the Vell inn after the storm
Collected by Oren in spring, the week of the great storm, when half the roofs in Vell needed mending and the inn was full of people who had nowhere dry to go.
The storm came in the night of the ninth of Sowing. The wind took three shutters, a hen house and the baker's sign. The sign was found in the market at Three Wells, a day's walk away, and was returned by cart.
These were said in the inn, over the noise of the rain.
"It rained so hard the fish asked to come inside."
"It blew so hard the hens laid their eggs sideways."
"It was so dark that I walked into my own door, and it said sorry."
"The thunder was so loud that the bell stopped ringing, out of respect."
"It was a mild storm for the season." Said by the miller, who was wet through.
A tutor named Ferrin said, "The mind of a storm cannot be drilled." Nobody laughed at that. He said it twice.
A child said the storm was a giant sneezing. Her father said giants don't exist. The child said, "Then who sneezed?" The inn went quiet. Then the innkeeper poured everyone a bowl of hot cider.
I wrote it all down. The storm is over. The jokes may last a little.
%%
Blossom fair, and the lamp on the hill
Things said at the Brown Hen on the night of the Blossom fair. Olwen wrote them down the next morning, with chalk still on her hands from the board.
Dace, mayor of Three Wells, gave a speech that went past the noon bell. When he finally stopped, a man at the back called out, "Is there a second part?" Dace said there was, and started again.
The children skipped all afternoon and sang as they went:
Ring the bell and blow the horn,
Blossom fair is newly born.
Honey on the bread and a cow on the green,
Who can tell which one runs the hive?
The relay lamp on the hill has been dark since the spring storm. Bel of Three Wells says she has looked at it every evening since she was small, and it has never once been off before. Somebody said a lamp that cannot blink says nothing, very clearly. Olwen said that was the best joke of the fair. Nobody laughed. That was the joke.
The cow that won the prize for the biggest cow did not ask for it. It stood still, and the judges gave it the prize. It looked as if it had expected this all along.
The baker bet the carter from Saltreach that the bread would be gone before the speech was over. It was. The baker says the bread was the only thing at the fair that listened to Dace.
A notice on the square board: no fires after dark. A boy asked if a fire was only a fire. Dace said a fire was only a fire until somebody left it on. The boy said that was a good speech. Dace said it was the same one.
%%
Things the grown-ups say
When a grown-up says, we will see, it means no.
When a grown-up says, not today, it means not this year.
When a grown-up says, it is not far, it means you will need a cart.
When a grown-up says, come here, child, it means you are in trouble, but a little bit.
When a grown-up says, that is very interesting, it means they have not heard a word.
When a grown-up says, because I said so, it means they do not know either.
When a grown-up says, bring a torch, it means the lane is dark and they are worried.
When a grown-up says, you are getting so big, it means you have eaten all the pie.
When a grown-up says, do not tell your mother, it means tell your mother everything.
%%
Jokes: the Kettle Inn
Told by the fire at the Kettle Inn on the coldest night of winter. Written down by Tam, before he forgot them.

How many farmers does it take to mend a fence? Two. One to mend it, and one to say he would have done it differently.
Why did the beetroot blush? It saw the soup coming.
What is the quietest thing on the ridge? Nothing. It is a windy ridge.
Why did the hen cross the road? To get away from Tam.
The last one is true.
%%
Jokes from the Mine Gate
Collected by Dace, Apple 178

A miner came to the inn with a hole in his boot.
The innkeeper said, "You have walked a long way."
"No," said the miner. "The hole has."

Why did the hen sit by the mine board?
She wanted to count the names.
She counted one egg instead.

A farmer asked the scarecrow for advice.
The scarecrow said, "Stand still and think."
The farmer said, "I have tried that all morning."

At the school yard, Bel asked, "What is the strongest part of a wall?"
The teacher said, "The stones."
Bel said, "No, the part the pig cannot push through."

The innkeeper says the soup is thick.
The spoon says it is a fine place to rest.
%%
The melon too big, a joke for the fair
Written by Corin, who was there, and who wants it known that the melon was not his fault.

At the Saltreach autumn fair, Ned the gardener brought a melon to the judging table. It was the largest melon anyone had ever seen. It was as round as a cart wheel and twice as heavy, and the two boys who carried it up the quay both said so, loudly, at intervals.

The judge looked at the melon for a long time. Then he said it was too big to judge. The rules say a melon must fit on the table. Ned said the table must be made larger. The judge said the table was the fair's table and could not be changed. Ned said then the fair must be changed. The judge said that was not in the rules either.

So the melon sat on the table, and the table sat on the floor, and the judge sat on the bench beside them both, and everybody who came to the fair wanted to see how it would end.

Someone suggested the melon be cut in half, to be fair. Ned said he would not let a melon of that size be cut without a witness, and he sent for the mayor. The mayor came, and looked, and said he had never seen such a melon in his life, and he would be happy to be the witness, if somebody would bring him a chair.

They brought him a chair. Then they brought him a knife. He cut the melon in half. It took him the whole afternoon, and the square cheered at every stroke, and by the end the two halves were the size of cart wheels and the sweetest anyone had tasted.

The judge gave the prize to the melon, which was the first time the fair had given a prize to something that could not be lifted. Ned said it was a fair result. The judge said it was the only fair result possible, given the melon.

The melon was eaten at the feast that night, by every family on the quay. The rind went to the pigs, who were pleased. The seeds went to the wall, where they grew, and where nobody has yet been able to decide who owns the vine.
%%
Riddles at the school bench
Answer after each one, in a whisper, so the teacher does not hear.
I am round and I am green and I am sometimes very big. What am I? Answer: a melon.
I have three wells and no water in one. What am I? Answer: the square at Three Wells, on a dry day.
I go up the hill and never come down. What am I? Answer: the smoke from the bakery chimney.
You can carry me but I am not heavy. You can keep me but I am not a pet. What am I? Answer: a secret.
I am wood and I am a boat and I am sometimes tied up at the quay. What am I? Answer: a boat, but also a bench.
I shine at night and go out in the morning and nobody sees me do it. What am I? Answer: a torch.
I have no mouth and yet I can tell you the time. What am I? Answer: the bell tower. Nobody has ever known how.
What comes home every night and never leaves? Answer: the cat.
A thousand little steps, and each one different from the last. What am I? Answer: a tutor's drill.
%%
A page of jokes for the long night
These are the jokes people tell on the long autumn nights in the hamlet of Dunmere, when the wind is at the shutters and the lamps are lit early. They are told at the inn, on the stair, and in the school yard after the bell, and everybody has a favorite. This is only a small part of them. The rest are kept in the heads of the old, and some of the old are very particular about who gets to hear them.

Why did the keeper keep a bucket at the foot of the tower?
For the day the stair went out from under her, and she had to climb down with the bucket, to prove she was not frightened.

Why do the frogs at Lowmarsh never come to Dunmere?
They said it was too far. The Dunmere frogs said it was too cold. The truth is that they are both waiting for the other to come first, and neither of them has the patience.

What is the best thing to take to a cave under a field?
A friend with a lantern, and a second friend to stand at the top and say, "I can see you," every few minutes.

A boy asked his grandmother what a relay was. She said it was a way of passing a message from one hill to the next without carrying it. He thought about this for a long time. "Then the message is always tired," he said, "because it never gets to sit down."

Why did the lamp keep blinking?
It had something to say, and it did not want to be the only one saying it.

What did one cow say to the other on the Long Road?
"You walk too slowly, and I can see the inn, so stop talking and come on."

Why do we keep the torches lit on the north side?
Because the north side is the side that forgets to be warm, and the torches never do.

A traveler came to the inn with a cart of pumpkins. He asked the innkeeper how much they were worth. The innkeeper said, "Four emeralds each." The traveler said, "That is a lot for a pumpkin." The innkeeper said, "It is a lot for an inn that has no soup." They both laughed, and they ate the pumpkins that night.

Why did the apprentice stand so still in the orchard?
It had been told to stay, and it did not know another meaning for the word.

The boy and the cave. A boy from Dunmere found a hollow under the frozen field, and he went down with his father's lantern. He came up again with a cold nose, a torn coat and a round grey stone. "What is it?" said his mother. He said, "It is the cave. It is still there. I have seen it." Then he put the stone on the window ledge and it stayed there for many years. Nobody has ever gone down to check if the cave is still there, but everybody agrees it must be.

And a last one for the children, which they must say in one breath: "Red roof, red wheel, red sheep on the red hill, and nobody gives a red feather for the red hill." The children always get this one wrong, and the adults always laugh.
%%
Jokes about boats and the sea
Written by Corin, shipwright, copied out for the children on the quay, who ask for a new one every time a boat comes in. These are the ones that have lasted.

A boat is a house that has agreed to move. Mind the agreement.
Why did the red boat not go to the party? It was still wet from the launch, and it did not want to make a splash.
What did the old sailor say to the young one? Keep the sea on your left, and the mayor on your right, and you will never be lonely.
How do you find a fish in the harbor? Look for the one that is looking back at you. It has been waiting all morning.
Why do the ribs of a boat never argue? Each one knows its place, and each one is curved toward the others.
What is the difference between a rope and a sea? The rope knows where it ends.
Why does the net mender never get wet? She stays in the shed and the nets come to her.
The tide comes in twice a day. The fishers go out twice a day. The fish, Corin says, have a much easier time.
What do you call a boat that will not sail? A shed with ambitions.
Why did the lamp keeper climb the tower every night? He had lost his hat up there, and he was too proud to ask for another.
What did the wave say to the wall? Nothing. We have been having this argument since before the harbor was built.
%%
The Inn Yard Song Contest
Written by Dace, Reaping 208

The harvest song contest was held in the Copperhold inn yard, because rain came through the school roof. The innkeeper moved the tables under the awning. The singers stood by the wood pile, and the judges sat near the door with dry feet.

There were four songs. One praised the wheat. One praised the beetroot. One praised a pair of boots that had crossed the Long Road twice. The fourth praised the innkeeper's stew. The innkeeper said this was the best song, though the judges had not yet heard it.

Harn sang about his farm. He had written three verses, but his sister had written a fourth about the pigs. The pigs came to the gate during that verse. The crowd gave them a loud welcome. Harn said they had never stood still for a song before.

Pell sang a song about a cart wheel. He had a good tune and plain words. At the end he said, "The wheel turns best when the axle is greased."
The blacksmith said, "That is true."
The miller said, "It is also a poor ending."
Pell said, "You can sing the ending while you grease it."

A child from Three Wells sang about the well in the square. She forgot one line and asked the crowd for help. Everyone knew the line except the mayor. He sang too soon, and the child told him he had spoiled the verse. Dace accepted this judgment.

The prize went to Harn's sister for the pig verse. She gave the honey to the innkeeper for the stew. The innkeeper gave her a bowl of stew and said the exchange was fair. The pigs received a beetroot peel each.

When the rain stopped, the singers walked home beneath clear leaves. The road was slick, so everyone took care at the bridge. Harn carried the empty honey jar. His sister carried the song book. The pigs stayed at the gate, waiting for another verse.
%%
Jokes the big children tell
Why did the boy run off down the Long Road? He wanted to see the lights on the hill, and his mother said no. He came back before the bell. He says the lights were only the moon, and that the moon was looking at him the whole time.
What did the lamp say to the north? Who is there? What did the north say back? Nothing. That is the joke.
Why does the deep stone hum at night? Because it is warm, and it wants someone to sing back. The miners say this is not a joke. They say it while they are not laughing.
What do you call a wall that stands up by itself? Late. It has been late since the spring.
Why did the creeper not blow up the mill? It was too busy listening to the hum from under the square.
Where did the ninth gate go? Nobody knows. The key is at the mine hall, and the key says it is not going anywhere.
Why is the school bell quiet at dusk? It is listening too.
(Told at the school yard, in a low voice, by the children who are too old for the song. The little ones are sent home before the second one.)
%%
Jokes about the apprentices
Told at the Kettle Inn after the day's work. Nobody means any harm. Apprentices cannot hear a joke, so nobody is hurt. Written down by Tam, who has told most of them.

I told Pip to take a load off. It took the load off the cart and left it in the road.

I told Fence to keep an eye on the sheep. It stood beside them all day and never once blinked. The sheep have not slept since.

Brin asked how to tell a joke to an apprentice. Slowly, I said. Then again. Then explain. It will stand there. After the third time it will be the only one in the room not laughing, and it will not be bored. It will be learning. Brin said that is true of everyone he knows.

I told the new apprentice at the mill to put its back into it. It leaned on the wall for an hour. The wall was very grateful.

Pip is the best farm hand I have ever had. It never complains. It never sleeps. It never steals the beer. It never laughs at my jokes. This last one is the only fault.

I asked Pip once if it was happy. It sowed a row of beetroot, a very straight row. I have thought about that ever since.
%%
Jokes about creepers
Autumn, a house at the edge of Saltreach, where a creeper blew a hole in the wall of the net shed last week and nobody was hurt except the wall. The neighbors have been telling creeper jokes ever since. Mira, who is visiting, wrote them down.

What did the creeper say to the wall?
Nothing. It just had a blast.

What is green and quiet and ruins your whole afternoon?
A creeper.

Why do creepers make bad friends?
They always blow up when you get close.

How do you tell a creeper from a bush?
You don't, and that's the problem.

Corin built the net shed wall with his own hands. He says the creeper did not even say sorry. Marit, who owns the nets, says it said sss, and that is as sorry as a creeper gets.

The wall has been mended. The nets were not harmed. A cat was in the shed at the time and did not move. She has never been so respected.

A word of advice from the harbor master: keep the torches lit along the quay at night, and a creeper will think twice. A creeper does not like the light. Nobody blames it. It is a nervous creature.
%%
The lamp that spoke in dots
In the year 196 the lamp at the top of the Northpoint tower blinked a strange message, and the whole of Dunmere went out to look at it. Long dot, short dot, long dot, then nothing for a whole night.

The keeper was Mira. She had been up the tower for twenty years and she did not like surprises. She sent down word that it was only the copper ring cooling in the cold. The children said it was a message. The old men said it was a fox sitting on the lamp. The miller said it was a bad joke from Vell.

The next night it blinked again. Same dots, same pause. Then it stopped.

Lantern, Mira's apprentice, was on the stair at the time. It came down the tower at dawn with its lamp-hook in one hand and a grey look on its face, as much as a copper face can have. It did not say what it had seen. It only went to the relay house and drew the dots on a board, and then it stood beside the board for a long time.

Mira read the board and laughed out loud, the way she does. "That is not a message," she said. "That is a fox on the lamp. It has been walking on the keys."

Lantern did not laugh. It rubbed out the board and drew the dots again, carefully, one under the other. Then it went back up the stair to the lamp room, with its hook, to see if there was a fox.

There was no fox. There was a little frost on the glass, and a single fox track in it, going round and round the ring.

The children of Dunmere still play the lamp game. One child blinks a flat hand in the dark, long dot, short dot, and the others must guess who the fox is. Nobody has ever guessed right, and the children say that is the whole point of the game.
%%
Harn's Farm Ledger and Sayings
Apple 204

The wheat is in the barn, and the beetroot is in the cellar. We lifted the potatoes before the hard frost. The carrots came up clean, except for one shaped like a bent finger. My sister says it looks like it is pointing at the neighbor's field.

We sold two sacks of wheat at Copperhold and brought home iron nails, salt and a new handle for the hoe. The merchant tried to charge us for the old handle too. I told him it had gone home with us years ago. He checked his book and laughed.

The cows are sound. The hen house needs a new latch. The pigs have found a loose board and use it as a door. We have put the board back three times. The pigs have put it aside three times. They are better at this work than we are.

Sayings from the farm:

A wet boot dries faster when you stop looking at it.

A full barn is good. A full barn with a door that shuts is better.

If the scarecrow loses its pumpkin, the crows do not care. They know it is still the same scarecrow.

A neighbor asked why I speak kindly to the pigs.
I said, "They know where the potatoes are."
My sister said, "So do you. Yet I still speak kindly to you."
%%
Spring jokes
These were sent to the tutors' house at Vell. Nessa asked me to copy them, because the apprentices in the hall are not good at laughing and the tutors think it is good for them.
A mind goes into a field to learn farming. It plants a row of wheat and the next day a row of beets. The tutor asks why. It says, "I do not know." The tutor says, "That is the first honest answer." That is a joke told by tutors. It is not a joke an apprentice can tell. They do not talk.
So here are some for people.
A farmer says to his neighbor, "I have a very smart cow." The neighbor says, "How smart?" The farmer says, "It gave me butter, and I never even asked."
A baker says to her apprentice, "Is the bread ready?" The apprentice stands there. The baker says, "I will take that as a no." Bread burns. Everyone learns something.
A traveler on the Long Road asks the innkeeper, "How far to the next inn?" The innkeeper says, "A day." The traveler says, "How do you know?" The innkeeper says, "It is a day for me. It may be two for you."
Two foxes meet at the hen house. One says, "I am here for the eggs." The other says, "So am I." The hens say nothing. They have already moved.
A farmer finds a cave in his field and shouts into it, "Hello." It says, "Hello" back. He says, "That is a very polite cave." It says, "That is a very polite cave." He leaves, much confused.
Last, Oren's own, which I put in with a note. A clerk says to a child, "What do you want to be?" The child says, "A clerk." The clerk says, "Why?" The child says, "So I can say no to people." The clerk says, "I say yes. Mostly."
Oren says it is not a joke if you have to explain it. I say it is not a joke if the clerk explains it.
%%
Sayings from Copperhold
Copied by Dace, Reaping 183

At the mine gate, Hesk says, "A full bin is a good answer."
Clank says nothing. He brings another full bin.

A man who counts his potatoes twice may still have only one dinner.
A man who counts his dinner twice has a very happy evening.

When the wind lifts your hat, do not chase it downhill.
The hat knows the road better than you do.

If a hen lays an egg in the tool shed, count it as a tool.
Do not use it to mend a pick.

Pell says, "The Long Road is shorter when you have bread."
The baker says, "Then buy two loaves."
Pell says, "That is not what I meant."

At Kettle Ridge, a turnip rolled from the cart.
Tam ran after it and came back with three.
He said the others had been lonely.
%%
Contest of the Harvest Songs
Notice by Dace, Reaping 201

The song contest will be held at the school house after the market closes. Singers may come from Copperhold, Three Wells, or the farms on the lower road. Each song must be short enough to sing before the bread cools.

There will be three judges. They will give marks for clear words, a steady tune and a useful subject. A song about washing a pot is useful. A song about having washed it is also useful, if the pot is clean.

The prize is a jar of honey from Ambrook and a new wool scarf. The judges may not enter. The mayor may enter only if he sings from the yard.

Last year, Tam sang about a windmill and forgot the second verse. He sang the first verse twice. The miller said this was the most accurate song of the evening.

Bring a lantern for the walk home. Keep the school door clear. Do not leave apples on the judges' table. They have enough trouble choosing songs.
%%
Ferry sayings, Thaw
Olwen says these at the Brown Hen when the travelers come in wet.
The river is wide, the ferry is narrow, and Olwen is in the middle.
A wet boot is a short walk to a warm fire.
Thaw brings two things to the crossing: mud, and travelers who want to know why the ferry is late.
The lamp on the hill is out again. The keeper says it is only the damp. The damp has been very busy this month.
%%
Sayings and jokes, the harvest supper
Given at the harvest supper at the Kettle Inn, in Leaffall. Tam gave the baby of the inn a rattle made from an old copper button. The baby bit it and said nothing, which Tam says is the best review he has ever had.

Why do potatoes never quarrel? They know it only makes them mashed.

Why do pigs make poor cooks? They keep eating the batter.

What did the pie say when it was cut? Please, not in front of the children.

Why did the mill not come to the feast? It is always running a little late.

How do you know a cow is happy? It stops complaining and starts chewing quietly.

What is the best way to spot a liar at a feast? Watch the one who talks about his own soup.

Why did the hen cross the road? To reach the harvest, and to avoid Tam.

A feast is only as long as the last pie.

When the soup is hot, everyone is a cook.

A burnt loaf is still a loaf, and a burnt cook is still a cook, but a little less happy.

Why did the honey cake hide under the table? It heard the children counting.

What did the fox say at the feast? Lovely hens. Do you have any more?

Why do the lamps never argue? They all came from the same flame.

What is the sweetest thing at a feast? The face of the cook when the children say thank you.

A full stomach makes a good listener, and a good listener makes a good tale.

A zombie came to the feast and asked for a seat. It was given a torch and sent to the gate. Nobody knows whether it liked the torch.
%%
Sayings of Old Brin
Brin has lived on the ridge for seventy years and has a saying for everything. Tam wrote them down at the Kettle Inn, one winter night, while Brin talked and the stew went cold.

The wind on the ridge is free, and it is worth every emerald you pay for it.
A sheep can open a gate. A farmer cannot. That is why the sheep are on the other side.
If you want to find Tam, look in the last place you would look. He has just left.
Never trust a man who agrees with his fence.
A child who runs off knows where he is going. It is the parents who do not.
The best time to mend a fence is when it falls on Tam.
Beetroot is a vegetable that has learned to live with itself.
If the windmill squeaks, oil it. If it still squeaks, say thank you. It is telling you it is alive.
The hen is the only animal who can count, and she only counts herself.
A fox is not a thief. A fox is an early customer.
Do not argue with the weather. It has had more practice.
A good cup of tea has the same trouble as a good fence. People only notice it when it is missing.

Tam adds. I disagree with the one about the hen. My hens can count to six, and I know because six is when they stop coming when I call.
%%
A cave under the beetroot field
It is spring and a farmer near Vell has found a cave under his field. His plough went through the ground like a spoon through custard. He fell in up to his knees, then his waist, and then he was in a cave, standing on a heap of his own potatoes.
He climbed out. He told everyone. By noon, the whole town was standing round the hole.
The jokes came quickly, as they do.
"He wanted a cellar. The field gave him one for free."
"He was digging for potatoes. He found a hall."
"What's in the cave? Nobody knows. The farmer won't go back in."
"The farmer says it is full of bats. The bats say it is full of farmer."
"If the cave is old, maybe the potatoes are older."
A tutor from the house on the hill came down to see. She looked into the hole for a long while. She said it was a natural cave, and the water had made it, over many years. The field had a thin lid, and the plough had lifted it off.
The farmer asked if he could keep it. She said it was his field, and his cave.
He is thinking of keeping cheese in it. Oren asks me to say the cave is cool and dry, and could hold a shelf or two.
%%
Sayings and jokes for Apple
Told at the apple picking on Kettle Ridge, in Apple. Written by Nell, who picked apples with them and ate half.

Do not count your apples before the pig has had its share.

A squeaking windmill is a working windmill. Listen for it.

Keep your friends close, and your pig closer.

The fox is welcome at the hen house once. After that it is only a fox.

Two farmers, one cow and one fence. The cow wins.

A cart with no wheel is only a slow sled.

How do you tell a good apple? It is the one that is not in your neighbor's basket.

Why did the apple go to the healer? It was feeling a little bruised.

What is a ladder's favorite part of the orchard? The top, when the apples are ripe and the wind has gone.

Why does the scarecrow win every prize? He stands still for hours and never asks for wages.

What did the cook put in the pie to see if it was done? A candle.

Why do bees never get lost in an orchard? They always follow the hum of the others.

The best apple is the one the bird has already tasted. The second best is the one the child has.

A wet hen is still a hen, but she is not in a good mood.

What is a melon's favorite game? Rolling. It never reaches the end of it.

A ripe pear is a patient pear. Wait for it.

What does a bee do after a long day? It goes home and hums about it.

An orchard with one tree is a tree. An orchard with four hundred is a fine argument.
%%
Oren's page of sayings
Children at the school yard behind the Archive say these over and over. I put them here in the order they came to me. They are not all clever. The children don't care.
"A clerk is a person who is very careful about nothing."
"Don't count your chickens until the fox has gone home."
"A good copy is a mirror. A bad copy is a window with a crack in it."
"If you're late for school, run. If you're late for supper, run faster."
"The apples are always better on the other side of the wall."
"Never trust a cow that is smiling."
"I'd rather be a frog in the marsh than a fish in the pond." Said by the frog.
"My uncle can lift a cart with one hand. My uncle also cannot lift a feather, because he is lazy."
"The bell rings, the bell rings. Who has lost their shoe?"
"A secret is a pot with a leak."
Some of these are old. Some were made up this morning. The children say one is as good as another.
At the end of the yard, a girl said, "What do you call a clerk who tells a joke?" Another girl said, "Oren." They both ran off. I am not offended. I wrote it down.
%%
Sayings of the quay, collected by Mira
Mira, relay keeper at Northpoint, visited Saltreach for the autumn and wrote down what she heard at the fish market. She says the sayings are better than the fish.
"Salt makes everything taste better, except salt."
"A boat in the harbor is safe. A boat in the harbor is also not a boat."
"Never trust a gull with a pie."
"The sea gives, and the sea takes, and the sea does not say thank you."
"If you can see the bottom, it is not the sea."
"A good net mends itself. A bad net mends you."
%%
Song for the school yard
A creeper came down the lane one night,
It went hiss, and it went right, and it went wrong.
It blew up the wall of the old bakery shed,
And the baker said, that was a bit too long.

Keep your torches lit, and keep your gate,
Keep your friends close and your mouth shut late.
If you hear the hiss, you do not stop,
You run, you run, and you shout from the top.

The bakery wall went up in a bang,
The bread went flying with a jolly twang.
Ida ran out in her apron and cap,
And she shouted, you will not take my flour, you chap.

Keep your torches lit, and keep your gate,
Keep your friends close and your mouth shut late.
If you hear the hiss, you do not stop,
You run, you run, and you shout from the top.

The children put the bread back in a heap,
And the baker said, now who will eat that cheap?
We ate the bread, every crumb, and then
We made a wall from the bricks again.

Keep your torches lit, and keep your gate,
Keep your friends close and your mouth shut late.
If you hear the hiss, you do not stop,
You run, you run, and you shout from the top.

(Sung in the school yard, with the hiss done loudly by the smallest child. The wall is built again, but the baker still will not let anyone stand by it.)
%%
Jokes at the Dunmere inn
What does a fox say when it is cold?
Nothing. It just pulls its tail over its nose and waits for the stew.

Why did the keeper climb the tower twice?
She forgot her mitten at the top, and she forgot it again on the way down.

Three travelers came in from the snow.
The first said, "It is cold."
The second said, "It is very cold."
The third said nothing, because his tongue had frozen to the door.

Why does the miller never tell a secret?
Every time he tries, the wheel turns and the whole of Ambrook hears it.

What did the cow say when the pond froze?
"Now I can walk to the other side with dry hooves, and nobody will believe me."
